Koneko Do - Kätzchen wird erwachsen

Gute Feen gibt es vielleicht nicht, aber gute Elfen. Elphies, besser.

Elphie ist gerade der Hauptfels in Kätzchens Brandung. Und die besteht gerade aus Monsterwellen.
Gefühlt.

Warum ist Liebe so kompliziert? Ist das überhaupt Liebe? Oder … Was? Hormone? SchnickSchnack.

Therapeutin – weiterer wichtiger Fels – hat wie immer eine einfache Erklärung:

"Ja. Normalerweise gibt es bloß niemand zu. Und es ist natürlich eine andere Art, als wenn man schon ein Jahr zusammen ist. Liebe ändert sich. Ein "Ich liebe dich" ändert sich. Aber Sie sind sicher nicht verrückt, wenn Sie sie fühlen. Nur ehrlich."

Aha. Wenn sogar bezahltes Fachpersonal der Meinung ist. Trotzdem: so ein bißchen ist es doch ein ganz schlechter Witz der höheren Macht.

Danke. Btw.

Da taucht Kätzchen, ramponiert, geschunden und mit der Welt im Allgemeinem und der Liebe im besonderen fertig, auf aus Jahren der Trance, des "thralls". Oder sollte das auch wirklich Liebe gewesen sein? Wie heißt es so schön in "Defying Gravity"? "Well, if that's love – It comes at much too high a cost!"

Auch ein schlechter Witz: Dass beim Glee OST Vol. I der Song nach "Defying Gravity" "Leaving on a Jet Plane" ist.

Wie viele Wochen ist es her? If we ever had a song … It would be one in a bunch. Ach, Okami. Es tut nur weh. I don't miss you. I curse myself for staying so long. What the hell has become of me? Call me mistrustful. Call me suspicious. & that was before our paths crossed.

He asked, if you have been my great love. I denied. I knew suddenly: Not true. I spent years thinking
"Forever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, and ever, we never will part
Oh, how I love you
Together, forever, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only meen heartbreak for me."

I should have rather said a little prayer for myself. I was waiting for someone. & I thought, it would be you. I wanted it to be you.

Looks like to err is feline.

Well. "Maybe This Time". If I get the guts together, to act against all my instincts long enough not to fight or fly.

Help. Kätzchen is involved.

Ok. Vor mir 10h, oder so, aufs mobile starren, versuchen zu lesen, aufs mobile starren, lesen, schlafen, aufwachen, aufs mobile starren, mobile aus, nicht schlafen koennen, wieder mobile ein, schlafen, waelzen, starren, gucken obs kaputt ist, sich verfluchen, ihn verfluchen. Hoffen, bangen warten. Sollte mir jetzt irgendjemand gutmeinen, ich koenne mich ja & so ... HA! Das ist fuer anfaenger. Profis loeschen die #. So.
Ach. Maunz. Mein Karaokami. Wenn du wuesstest.
Tja, was dann? Eigentlich? Schlimmer? Oder doch besser?
Du wuerdest mir sagen besser & wuerdest handeln wie schlimmer. Doof das. Maunz.

Es ist zum Mäusemelken – welch sinnlose platte Metapher hier.

Also: Nach Drama, mehr Drama & Super-Drama mit der weisen Einsicht: Nö. Geht nicht. Wirklich gar nicht, ist Okami per du. Vergangenheit. Seit ein paar Wochen. Von kurzer kommunkativen Stellungskriegen abgesehen. Ohne persönliche Ansichtwerdung. Das letzte Mal war dicht genug an Straßenkampf.

Kätzchen natürlich ziemlich durch – den Wind, mit den Nerven & überhaupt.

Aber dann. Schicksal. Selbst angestossen. Kätzchen tut das unmögliche, gleichwohl Okami angekündigte: Es trollt sich & beschliesst, gefunden zu werden.

Kätzchen sind heroisch arin gefunden zu werden. Wenn es sein muss, wird da auf's Ganze gegangen. Der Stolz lag ja eh schon darnieder gestreckt, nach den letzten Jahren Okami. Brrr.


Wie auch immer: Kätzchen sprang also in den Pool der Möglichkeiten. In den besten. Dachte es. Ein wenig entwürdigend. Ja. aber auch aufregend. Gut. Ich lasse mich also wählen. Um all meiner kätzchenhaften Großartigkeit halber, mit all der Glanz, Glorie & Neurosenhaftigkeit für das ich so schwer gerungen habe. Kätzchen ist auch gar nicht soooo wählerisch. Greybacks? Gerne. Kätzchen weiß, was sein Herz einzig wirklcih höher schlagen lässt. Und dass es das wohl hier nicht findet. Nie mehr findet. Egal.

Sonnenschein. Fensterbank. Ein Heim mit einem Baum zum flüchten und jemanden der es liebt und den es inspirieren kann.

Tja. Gott hat immer noch Humor. Ziemlich bösen allerdings.

Denn, na, was? Genau. Kätzchen luft direkt in das, was es nicht geglaubt hat zu finden. Und Kätzchen weiß jetzt auch, dass es besser nicht gewollt hätte, sich trotz zerschrubbter Schnurrhaare noch mal einen Okami zu wünschen. Neiheihein. Nicht irgendeinen. DEN Okami. Den Okami aller Okamis. Hui. Und jetzt? Freude, Abwehr, Freude, Abwehr, Freude, Freude, autsch. Da saß der erste.

Kätzchen ist gefunden. Kätzchen hat ihn gefunden. Den Okami. Kuraokami.

& entweder ist es schon wieder ausgesetzt (Kätzchen lernen: Nie wieder Okami-Dramen. Nö.). Oder vielleicht, ganz vielleicht, wird es noch so richtig interessant. Aber: Kätzchen hält die Pfoten still. Diesmal. Und zuckt der Schwanz noch so.

Hach je.
maunz.

Love,

I spend the rest of the evening watching my Okami thing. After writing the stuff up for you. Letting the mat alone for today (well, I did teach, so it won't knock me of my paws). Before talking to you on the phone. And after. And also after we talked again. I really shouldn't encourage your not so healthy habits, should I? I guess, I am so relaxed about it, because I feel, that that is the best I can do. Condeming & preaching helps little. I wonder how many people have told you in your life, that you just should do this, or avoid that or be a little bit more like that. How is that? Getting from everyone around you this feeling of – can't think of a better word, right now, sorry – alienation? Of constantly being told, that you are in a way not good enough, not achieving enough, not performing your best? Because that is it, isn't it? Your way of doing it, is not appropriate to others. And it only ok to say so, because everyone means well & does so for your own good. Not that they don't get a kick out of it, feeling holier than thou. Including me, of course. I remember how you told me you would prefer regarded as busy rather then stressed. I do get it. I also get the other people – it is a way of caring, even though it might hurt & don't make anything better. And propably they are right, in an abstract or meta sense. But even if a thing is true for most, it doesn't work for all. The moon doesn't become the sun, because someone tells him, to just cheer up a bit. Just don't be that night fury. Not helpful, right?
So, if there is truly is no way of dealing in absolutes, do we have to accept suffering? Or compromises: Rather boring after a while, but at least safe? Rather getting the work done, than live? Rather change something than experience bliss. I do not want to accept that. As much as I don't want to accept,that love should be conditioned by the fact if it is returned equally. No. There is freedom. Of choice. The choice how I think. The choice how I act. The choice, not just to react. If there is freedom, it lies in that choices.

Be the best, healthiest and happiest night fury – feeling cared for, understood and loved. That's how I would like to approach it. Not no matter what it takes. But still against all odds, as long as I all by myself can deal with them, knowing that I won't make everything right. Knowing, that I might not even make a difference. That I can't change, what is not in my power. And still do everything what is in my power & do the right thing: act with love and compassion, without fear or greed.

good night, mi corazón

Beloved beast,

so much I have to tell you. But as the mat is calling, just this for now. I was watching an episode right now, getting the same feeling as then. I remembered, how I knew, that this was it, back then. What I want. Who I want. Kinda crazy, I thought at that time, but still. Especially I don't do this sort of crush. Liking something, yes. Very much, also. But that? No. Never. I haven't watched it since then. It felt a bit too creepy. When I did today, everything seem to match, all of a sudden. I knew the feeling. The reaction. The way, it touches me. Back then I couldn't know, but today it became clear, that the past experience was just a forecast, a intervention from something higher maybe (funny form, but anyway), getting me on the way of what I was missing. Giving me a first short glimpse. The full picture I have now. I recognized the feeling, the way it makes me feel. You make me feel like that. Remember the Chinese proverb? "Be careful, what you wish for. It might come true." Yes it did.

I know, darn magical thinking. Don't worry. Brain is still working. No relapses. & certainly even harder to understand than to explain – & I know, I am not doing a really good job here.

Ok: back then = Kätzchen life as it was, before this story here became to be written.

The forecast? What I just watched? Well, I think that is a very good riddle for you. What story – or what character – could give me an impression on how you would touch me?
Take a guess, smart brain.

I will listen to your recommended podcast later – I appreciate your letter very much. Thanks for sharing.
xxx

Dearest,

I thought about my last two letters to you – should I really "send" them? Shouldn't I take them back? Wouldn't them just make you unhappy? What is truly my point, of pointing this out? Powerplay? Or what?


I seriously questioned my motivation. Why tell you? Why not just leave it alone? I don‘t know, if it even matters anymore now. And if, what would be different? Would it change anything? No. As I explained to you in my last letter. Plus: I have known for a very long now that you need a kind of backdoor. Propably always will. That you feel trapped otherwise. & easily. Especially with me. So what is the point? I send them, not because I want you to feel weird or guilty or embarrassed about it. Quite the opposite. I want you to know, that I know that. Know you. Your patterns. That I don't intend to change them. Change you. That I might not like your ways all the time, but always like you. That none of the past and none of all possible futures, makes me feel less for you now or freaks me out now. I want you. The whole package. I know, what I am buying. That every time, when I start to think: "But why can't it be otherwise?" something else says: Because it is what it is.
Take it. Or leave it. Or change it. How I think about things. Is there really a better version? No. Only one which might fit me better. But then I wouldn't change only this very parameter, but the whole version. Even though I like the other parts. Yes, it is about: What are the 80% you really need? & if you have figured, that 80% are what you want & need are part of the package, then don't come running and complain. Enjoy what you have. & rethink your patterns. Let go of all your greed and stupid vanity.

I want you so much to understand, that my idea of detachment and letting go and setting free has nothing to do with being aloof. Or autark. I am jealous. I do want you for me.

I want to say: Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

But I also can't stand the feeling, that you feel pressured. Or trapped. That you are unhappy. Or just feel bad about something with regards to me.

Commitment is another word for setting free.

I am convinced, because I do think I can see you – completely, whole.

If you think or feel different – ok. But: Don't feel bad about it. There would be no reason for that.

Es ist, was es ist.

My talk can do little anyway.

But I do like that you make me think about such essential questions & want you to know: You do make me better.

Good morning Okami,

a nice(r) letter to follow. As promised. Yes. My vanity was a bit scratched then. My pride as well. My jealousy poked. My caution tensed. My anger smouldering. All given.
But I was just sitting there and watching these emotions flow by. Because they did not change anything. Even they wanted to. Very much.



"Don't take that."

"Why now?"

"You deserve better."

"Pay him back equally."

"What the hell is he thinking?"

"And here we go again. Annoying."

"Gosh. Grow up. Or choose at least another coping mechnismn, for a change."

They have quite a bashing fest, these emotions.

And I was sitting there, watching them, pat them on the head with compassion and waved them goodbye as they went on. Leaving me sitting, as before, smiling & amused.

This is what the Erich Fried poem really means. I think. And it is not only about romantic feelings. About eros. It's caritas. The only form that can carry it through the years, in my opinion. Eros is a beloved house friend. Who goes on leave sometimes, but always comes back as long as caritas welcomes him.



And that, my night fury, is the differnce. That's why I can take a stand and just say: I am convinced.

http://www.wat.tv/video/eminem-not-afraid-official-video-2u3tx_2ey1t_.html

Hmm. Seems like you haven't found out the secret yet, where I write. Sad, so if you do it is again a lot. Good, so maybe better. Because this will be a not so nice one. And I expect wirting more nice ones in the days to come, so you will read sth nice, then sth not so nice, and then niceness again. I do not want you to feel upset or bad or unhappy - I guess I should rethink my strong desire to protect you from any harm. It is a bit patronizing.

It was weird to attend your cave today – all by myself, with this new set of keys, that where never be mine before. Neither that set in question. Nor any of the other two I came to posses for a while in last year(s) (gosh, we really talking plural now, don't we?).

I get the pragmatic part of me having them, but all the same I cursed myself a bit. Not because it is any hassle in itself. Just because it seemed kind of inappropriate for the status we have/ the phase we are in/ what we are to each other – just like sth what is supposed to be very good, but a bit too rushed & early, not quite there yet – and send me on this weird sentimental journey also.

You told me not so long ago, that you don't like it, when I talk about the last years of my life, as I haven't really lived them, as I wasn't really me and whatnot. That it would also regard you. And us. I get that. I don't want you to feel not important. Not making a difference. Because you are. You do. But still. It feels like coming back from this nightmare. Coming back to senses. To reality. Maybe you should watch all of Dollhouse. It might explain it better. Of course I am not all different all of a sudden. And of course I am.Have you ever seen Charade, with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn? All of it was kinda me, but also totally not. Like a long mascerade, a long "as if". Do you remember, how children play "as if"?
Choose the game. Choose the narration. Choose the costume. And change it while you go. Out of a whim. Or because sth doesn't work out. A lot of kids have "Verkleidungskoffer" – a trunk full of costumes. Playing is not only fun, but a skill, a strentgh, a ressource, a mighty well of power.

I always loved playing, I was always good at it.

"Hochmut kommt vor dem Fall."
or

"So many times, it happens too fast.
You change your passion for glory.
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive."

Well. I did. And I didn't want to fight. For a while. But you can turn your back on the fight and take you out of it. But you cannot take the fighter out of you. And he won't leave your back unprotected. Ok. So now again:

"Risin' up, back on the street. Did my time, took my chances. Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet."

Don't think, it's so easy? Don't believe in magically turn overs? Don't believe me?
Don't care. You can see for yourself.

Do you know the Bremer Stadtmusikanten? Fairy tale. German. Famous sentence:

"Etwas besseres als den Tod finden wir überall."

Something better than we had we will find one way or the other. You were right. We were awful. Together. Way to big a price to pay for the good parts. Not denying that. But still.
Knowing, maybe very deep inside, what is under the costume, that at some point the game will stop, has to stop, because everything ends, I was arguing from that position in our discussions. So you were one of the very few things I were sure of. Even though my pride was to mighty. Stupid little game: If you don't like me, I don't like you. Erst recht nicht.

I am curious now. Because even though I am convinced and know exactly, what works for me and what I want(again - sorry to repeat that, but I always liked that about me - knowing very fast what I want and what not with certain things & were always proud, that that was one of the core qualities everyone but especially the certain someone in my life regarded highly. Still so vain. Lots of chanting & inversion to do on the way to nirvana), it still takes two to tango.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMGxp4PsvwM&feature=related

good night, far away old friend & foe


Ps: The letter to your pack reminded me, how you told me about having always had the habit of having another Alpha in reserve. And of this Sunday evening a few weeks ago, I thought: „Seems that you managed finally to find a good prospect for the replacement – and with what a fitting name, profession, zodiac sign, desire to engage in what you care about most & even place to live. Especially since I was never a wolf in the first place and neither did I ever want nor intend to become one. So it's going to be an interesting sequel. Or final chapter. I am looking fwd for the plot turns to come.“ Kisses, my love.

Beloved Greyback,

I saw this today http://blog.zeit.de/fotoblog/2010/05/04/aufwachsen-in-afghanistan/ and it made me think of you and your wonderful photos. And about last summer, when you gave me the opportunity to discover what I wanted for so long – taking pictures – real pictures – myself, playing adventurer and documentarist.

I still feel the sun of that time, especially since it becomes spring here rapidly. Not quite the same light though. It is a much colder tone here.

Accompanying you on your travels, shoots and work, sharing your life in that way – I never got an oppurtunity to get to know someone like that before. Probably never will again.

I am feeling sometimes like a spectator, a reader of a novel. And sometimes like the narrator. Or the director. Or the photographer.

Your metaphor of being a war photographer comes up now, of course. I guess, I learned the hardest part of it the hard way: don't get too involved – don't take it personal, it isn't about you, you can be there, do what you can and accept what you came watching for. Sometimes your only chance to make a change is to watch and tell the world. Sometimes you can do more. But it is not your war and never will be and only by accepting that you can make a differnce.
If you are too close, you can't be a mirror anymore, you've changed sides, you miss what only someone from the outside – or with a "beginners mind" – might see.
But if you can stay a mirror, consciously and with purpose sometimes reflecting, pointing out and telling a story in a picture, you can stay in the war as long as it goes and care, protect and serve for what you feel for.

Report about it or be involved it – not always doable. But to do so, to maintain a certain detachment and staying compassionate is the only way to go, to tell the in the best picture possible, right?

xxx

Dearest,

it wasn't a wrap up, it isn't over & we've only just begun, as the divine beings(elephants & others) and our own buddha natures will.

Yes, I am also glad, that we found our way back together, truly so. Or maybe: we both found our way (a little bit more than before at least) & it is a splendid surprise that the other is on the same. Or: The hedge of thorns in the middle of the road we were on has blossomed and spread the petals all over the path to go.

Ok. Getting really cheesy. Maybe I should better go & study mathematics after all, so I won't be tempted to write sappy (Notice the alliteration! Ha, that's some hidden meaning!) poetry to my most beloved okami.

Well. Kidding. I guess you just have to live with camp-ness and just kick me in my lovely butt to find another way to earn the fish for you, if sappy-ness isn't found to be en vogue anymore.


Oh. There you are. On my phone. Texting me. Texting me, you are writing me – ha! If that isn't a sign that we were just meant to be!

Your letters. I love them. Always did. I didn't write you though, did I? Well, hormones are a lovely little thing called crazyness. Well, it is about the NOW, right?

So you are writing me, I am writng you, you are listening to Motown, I am listening to Northern (super rare, super uptempo, super herrlich: http://northernsoulmusic.co.uk/rams/p1/adamsapples-youaretheoneilove.ram) – doesn't sound so bad so far for a new volume of Okami & Kätzchen.

Kisses across the oceans and over the seas.
xxx



Ps: The implemented game is: Count the references!