Last letter to Okami
Hi old friend & foe,
just read your last letter. Or better: the last one from the time, when we were a we. With a vision, a purpose and a future. The one letter, that got away. The one, I didn't destroy, because it came at a time when all that was "we" was already the past and without a lot of hope for a sequel. I guess, hope never reached bottom line so. Till recently. My side, that is. I know you too well. & I remember your last letter too well. We were never positive for each other. & we will never be. We were so much, a life span would have been to little to discover it all. I guess, I did everything I can, to prevent any future & probably you will notice sooner or later.
Why I read you letter? Why do I write you? You said it yourself: I am a fierce fighter. I like to confront my demons & look after them, when things are about to change, so I know, what I need to be prepared for. You will be my demon for a far longer time. I do hope, that eventually I will win this war once and for all. For the time being, I will not let you produce anymore damage. I read your letter again, because it fell to my hands while moving my furniture. I wanted to know, what I would feel. I needed to know. For the same reason I am moving my furniture.
I am happy to find, that I don't entertain this fiery hate towards you anymore. No Love nor Hate, a bit of sad sympathy, but mostly cautious indifference. I still feel sick when I think of you. I still have flashbacks of the violent moments, I am still afraid to run into you or be confronted by you and have to stand up to you or even fight you back. Will you just show up at my workplace? On my door? Should I have moved away? You would feel insulted, reading this, wouldn't you? You forgot a lot. Or maybe you still think, that your anger and aggression, your hate and violence was my fault and I should be thankful that you were so much in control of yourself that never something "serious" happened.Sometimes I wish it had. So the terror still walks with me. The flickering gaslight you set up won't go out. But no matter what: I will never be yours. Not the tiniest little part of me.
Your wounds may not be healed, your scars are still ugly, but you are merely a dark shadow of the past now, Okami.
And this past has become history.
I will go on now, moving furniture, to make room for something - someone - new.
Lebewohl.
just read your last letter. Or better: the last one from the time, when we were a we. With a vision, a purpose and a future. The one letter, that got away. The one, I didn't destroy, because it came at a time when all that was "we" was already the past and without a lot of hope for a sequel. I guess, hope never reached bottom line so. Till recently. My side, that is. I know you too well. & I remember your last letter too well. We were never positive for each other. & we will never be. We were so much, a life span would have been to little to discover it all. I guess, I did everything I can, to prevent any future & probably you will notice sooner or later.
Why I read you letter? Why do I write you? You said it yourself: I am a fierce fighter. I like to confront my demons & look after them, when things are about to change, so I know, what I need to be prepared for. You will be my demon for a far longer time. I do hope, that eventually I will win this war once and for all. For the time being, I will not let you produce anymore damage. I read your letter again, because it fell to my hands while moving my furniture. I wanted to know, what I would feel. I needed to know. For the same reason I am moving my furniture.
I am happy to find, that I don't entertain this fiery hate towards you anymore. No Love nor Hate, a bit of sad sympathy, but mostly cautious indifference. I still feel sick when I think of you. I still have flashbacks of the violent moments, I am still afraid to run into you or be confronted by you and have to stand up to you or even fight you back. Will you just show up at my workplace? On my door? Should I have moved away? You would feel insulted, reading this, wouldn't you? You forgot a lot. Or maybe you still think, that your anger and aggression, your hate and violence was my fault and I should be thankful that you were so much in control of yourself that never something "serious" happened.Sometimes I wish it had. So the terror still walks with me. The flickering gaslight you set up won't go out. But no matter what: I will never be yours. Not the tiniest little part of me.
Your wounds may not be healed, your scars are still ugly, but you are merely a dark shadow of the past now, Okami.
And this past has become history.
I will go on now, moving furniture, to make room for something - someone - new.
Lebewohl.
koneko do - 25. Feb, 13:43
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