Koneko Do - Kätzchen wird erwachsen

Es gibt definitiv zu wenig vernünftige Anfänge für Briefe wie diesen, deshalb versuche ich es erst gar nicht, sondern starte, ohne Ansprache, in medias res, mein lieber Okami.


Das war ja wohl eine Anrede, wenn auch eine lange, sagst du jetzt? Paradoxum, monierst du? Ja, in der Tat. Und als solches sehr passend.

Ich weiß kaum, wo ich anfangen soll & noch weniger, ob dieses Machwerk zu versenden schlau oder machbar für mich ist.

Jemandem, der sagt, er habe für den Moment genug und brauche eine Pause, hinterher zu schreiben, scheint nicht gerade besonders umsichtig.

Aber erstmal schreiben schadet ja nichts.

Du bist, genau wie ich online. Du, weil du Ablenkung dank Fiktion suchst. Ich, weil ich gewohnheitsmäßig den Rechner angeschaltet habe. Naja, Ehrlich gesagt, habe ich mich wie eine Ertrinkende auf ihn geworfen. Soviel könnte doch drin sein: Ablenkung & Zerstreuung mindestens, vielleicht sogar irgendetwas, was das Jetzt erträglicher macht. Oder gar ein echter deus ex machina.

Und siehe da, was dabei ist, ist eine Mail, die einmal mehr beweist, dass du dich um mich sorgst und kümmerst, dass du veranlasst, dass es dem kleinen, ausgesetztem Kätzchen an möglichst wenig fehlt. Materiell. Wenigstens.

Das fühlte sich erstmal an wie ein Tiefschlag. Herrlich. Erst lassen sich alle möglichen Gefühle nicht mehr unterdrücken und dann das.
Bitte richtig zu verstehen: Vielen lieben Dank. Ich bin dir dankbar, verbunden und freue mich. And I felt & feel very cared for.

Exactly what you don't want to feel after a talk like ours just now. Or at least: How I don't want to feel. Because I would prefer to feel less to the point of nothing instead of more.

I know, that it is different for you & I don't want you to feel bad or guilty about it or having the impression, that you are always the meanie. Stuff like that just now makes me feel my emotions a lot stronger. Not because I'm drama addicted. Just because I can't talk about intimate things with you, and literally open my little dark heart for you without opening up.

Und dann brechen meist alle Dämme. Dann fühle ich, wie ich dich vermissen würde. So, so sehr. Und dann fängt der Himmel an aufzuklaren und die Instrumente beginnen wieder zu funktionieren. Kurz: Kein Blindflug mehr, sondern wieder eine Perspektive bekommend, was ich hier eigentlich tue. Und warum.

Und dann denke ich: Maybe you get – unconciously – out the big guns, because that's what needed to get a proper emotional reaction from me. Always worked so far at least: Be bad ass, say reallyreally hard stuff & then see me, Madam Sans Merci, fighting. And expressing emotions. Like nothing good.

Bad pattern.

Also: I have to agree with all the other stuff you said. It even makes sense. Being in love with someone like me non stop is a free ticket to hell. I have to give you that.

And me pointing out, that you could see what I feel – or that I feel at least something by seeing what I do, how I act, only helps a bit. Because I bet, that you wouldn't see my narrative of me making big commitments by acting in a certain way, but just seeing this very way as the normal thing to do.

Ok. So I'm complicated. And cold. And what the hell else. Und meine ganzen lustigen Mail- & sonst was Pseudonyme sind nicht von ungefähr.

Also: Warum weitermachen? Aus deiner gerade dargestellten Sicht gibt es wohl nicht viel Grund. Umso mehr rechne ich dir an, dass du Beratung vorschlägst.

Meine Sicht – habe ich die eigentlich schon erläutert? Nun: Es ist ehrlich gesagt mehr ein Bauchgefühl. Und dann all die Gefühle, die gerade wieder da sind.

All die Sachen, die wir miteinander erlebt haben – von Krebs und Hospital-Bondage, von Triumphen, Preisen und Events, die wir immer trotz allem errungen haben, die vielen, unendlich vielen ersten Male – wenn ich an meine erste und dann besonders die dritte Fahrstunde denke, kommen mir die Tränen – und all die fluffy coffees in the mornig, the massages, the movies and references (I still have Toothless here) and all the little things, we would tell each other at night or day, while fucking.

Yes. True. Not the bigbig words. And yes. It bugs me. But I am not ready to loose your text messages or the way you call me honey or darling. I am so not ready, not to have Skype-Striptease-Calls with you, or you having 101 plan where and how to live. I want a "we", that includes me in a partner and girlfriend way, even though I also know, that we could be just friends, partners in crime and/or business.

Actually – I do not know.

Not really. I mean, we tried that, right? You can well say, we could try again & then leave it completely, if we can't manage to do that & that that is better than starving. And again, I can't say otherwise. And again, it just doesn't feel like that either.

As I wrote you once: There is something between us. It gets bumped on the head a lot, from both of us, whereby I see myself way more as the meanie here.

That is also something, I want you to know: Often I really don't find the things you saying helpful, but I refer to my anticipated reaction there. That doesnt mean, that I think you are the bad guy. Please take a look again at my various mail account names. I know, that it is me and that you just fighting the fight and being the messenger.

I could also tell you, that I still would like to see this little entity between us unfold its wings and grow. Also I maybe don't have any idea how to manage that. Sometimes I really feel, that I don't have a clue, as you say. I just don't know, what people, who are my partners, actually want. I am perfect girlfriend, right? I let you do whatever, I can prepare nice live as well as nice food, so what else? Looks like I am missing the secret ingriedient. And then I think, the only problem might be still, getting it from the inside to the outside, as JJ once pointed out. That so much stays in my heart and in my head or in some rather coded writing than getting to person I am with and nurturing the little thing between us as well as her.

I am just guessing, but if it just that, what's missing, then I should just start with sending this now to you. And hope that you don't feel pressured. I don't expect you to react on this within short. So change of plans: You text me, whenever you feel, you have digested this here or just want to see me anyway.

But I needed to write that down now. And also send it to you now. Without delay, just the direct feeling, straight from the gut. Or heart. Because I really want you to know, that it is as sure as whatever, that I do have feelings. A lot.
And I do feel a lot for you. I wouldn't still be here, if that wouldn't be the case. And I would still like to find out so much about you & with you, I would still like to expirience so much with you and learn from & with you.

Da ist noch soviel ungelebtes Leben.
Der Satz bringt auf den Punkt, was mich so traurig macht, wenn ich denke, dass wir vielleicht am point of no return sein könnten.

And this liitle piece is a good – hmm something between – summary & spotlight what normally is going on in my head, when I don't say a word.