Koneko Do - Kätzchen wird erwachsen

Dearest,

I thought about my last two letters to you – should I really "send" them? Shouldn't I take them back? Wouldn't them just make you unhappy? What is truly my point, of pointing this out? Powerplay? Or what?


I seriously questioned my motivation. Why tell you? Why not just leave it alone? I don‘t know, if it even matters anymore now. And if, what would be different? Would it change anything? No. As I explained to you in my last letter. Plus: I have known for a very long now that you need a kind of backdoor. Propably always will. That you feel trapped otherwise. & easily. Especially with me. So what is the point? I send them, not because I want you to feel weird or guilty or embarrassed about it. Quite the opposite. I want you to know, that I know that. Know you. Your patterns. That I don't intend to change them. Change you. That I might not like your ways all the time, but always like you. That none of the past and none of all possible futures, makes me feel less for you now or freaks me out now. I want you. The whole package. I know, what I am buying. That every time, when I start to think: "But why can't it be otherwise?" something else says: Because it is what it is.
Take it. Or leave it. Or change it. How I think about things. Is there really a better version? No. Only one which might fit me better. But then I wouldn't change only this very parameter, but the whole version. Even though I like the other parts. Yes, it is about: What are the 80% you really need? & if you have figured, that 80% are what you want & need are part of the package, then don't come running and complain. Enjoy what you have. & rethink your patterns. Let go of all your greed and stupid vanity.

I want you so much to understand, that my idea of detachment and letting go and setting free has nothing to do with being aloof. Or autark. I am jealous. I do want you for me.

I want to say: Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

But I also can't stand the feeling, that you feel pressured. Or trapped. That you are unhappy. Or just feel bad about something with regards to me.

Commitment is another word for setting free.

I am convinced, because I do think I can see you – completely, whole.

If you think or feel different – ok. But: Don't feel bad about it. There would be no reason for that.

Es ist, was es ist.

My talk can do little anyway.

But I do like that you make me think about such essential questions & want you to know: You do make me better.