3rd letter to Okami, far away
Hmm. Seems like you haven't found out the secret yet, where I write. Sad, so if you do it is again a lot. Good, so maybe better. Because this will be a not so nice one. And I expect wirting more nice ones in the days to come, so you will read sth nice, then sth not so nice, and then niceness again. I do not want you to feel upset or bad or unhappy - I guess I should rethink my strong desire to protect you from any harm. It is a bit patronizing.
It was weird to attend your cave today – all by myself, with this new set of keys, that where never be mine before. Neither that set in question. Nor any of the other two I came to posses for a while in last year(s) (gosh, we really talking plural now, don't we?).
I get the pragmatic part of me having them, but all the same I cursed myself a bit. Not because it is any hassle in itself. Just because it seemed kind of inappropriate for the status we have/ the phase we are in/ what we are to each other – just like sth what is supposed to be very good, but a bit too rushed & early, not quite there yet – and send me on this weird sentimental journey also.
You told me not so long ago, that you don't like it, when I talk about the last years of my life, as I haven't really lived them, as I wasn't really me and whatnot. That it would also regard you. And us. I get that. I don't want you to feel not important. Not making a difference. Because you are. You do. But still. It feels like coming back from this nightmare. Coming back to senses. To reality. Maybe you should watch all of Dollhouse. It might explain it better. Of course I am not all different all of a sudden. And of course I am.Have you ever seen Charade, with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn? All of it was kinda me, but also totally not. Like a long mascerade, a long "as if". Do you remember, how children play "as if"?
Choose the game. Choose the narration. Choose the costume. And change it while you go. Out of a whim. Or because sth doesn't work out. A lot of kids have "Verkleidungskoffer" – a trunk full of costumes. Playing is not only fun, but a skill, a strentgh, a ressource, a mighty well of power.
I always loved playing, I was always good at it.
"Hochmut kommt vor dem Fall."
or
"So many times, it happens too fast.
You change your passion for glory.
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive."
Well. I did. And I didn't want to fight. For a while. But you can turn your back on the fight and take you out of it. But you cannot take the fighter out of you. And he won't leave your back unprotected. Ok. So now again:
"Risin' up, back on the street. Did my time, took my chances. Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet."
Don't think, it's so easy? Don't believe in magically turn overs? Don't believe me?
Don't care. You can see for yourself.
Do you know the Bremer Stadtmusikanten? Fairy tale. German. Famous sentence:
"Etwas besseres als den Tod finden wir überall."
Something better than we had we will find one way or the other. You were right. We were awful. Together. Way to big a price to pay for the good parts. Not denying that. But still.
Knowing, maybe very deep inside, what is under the costume, that at some point the game will stop, has to stop, because everything ends, I was arguing from that position in our discussions. So you were one of the very few things I were sure of. Even though my pride was to mighty. Stupid little game: If you don't like me, I don't like you. Erst recht nicht.
I am curious now. Because even though I am convinced and know exactly, what works for me and what I want(again - sorry to repeat that, but I always liked that about me - knowing very fast what I want and what not with certain things & were always proud, that that was one of the core qualities everyone but especially the certain someone in my life regarded highly. Still so vain. Lots of chanting & inversion to do on the way to nirvana), it still takes two to tango.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMGxp4PsvwM&feature=related
good night, far away old friend & foe
Ps: The letter to your pack reminded me, how you told me about having always had the habit of having another Alpha in reserve. And of this Sunday evening a few weeks ago, I thought: „Seems that you managed finally to find a good prospect for the replacement – and with what a fitting name, profession, zodiac sign, desire to engage in what you care about most & even place to live. Especially since I was never a wolf in the first place and neither did I ever want nor intend to become one. So it's going to be an interesting sequel. Or final chapter. I am looking fwd for the plot turns to come.“ Kisses, my love.
It was weird to attend your cave today – all by myself, with this new set of keys, that where never be mine before. Neither that set in question. Nor any of the other two I came to posses for a while in last year(s) (gosh, we really talking plural now, don't we?).
I get the pragmatic part of me having them, but all the same I cursed myself a bit. Not because it is any hassle in itself. Just because it seemed kind of inappropriate for the status we have/ the phase we are in/ what we are to each other – just like sth what is supposed to be very good, but a bit too rushed & early, not quite there yet – and send me on this weird sentimental journey also.
You told me not so long ago, that you don't like it, when I talk about the last years of my life, as I haven't really lived them, as I wasn't really me and whatnot. That it would also regard you. And us. I get that. I don't want you to feel not important. Not making a difference. Because you are. You do. But still. It feels like coming back from this nightmare. Coming back to senses. To reality. Maybe you should watch all of Dollhouse. It might explain it better. Of course I am not all different all of a sudden. And of course I am.Have you ever seen Charade, with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn? All of it was kinda me, but also totally not. Like a long mascerade, a long "as if". Do you remember, how children play "as if"?
Choose the game. Choose the narration. Choose the costume. And change it while you go. Out of a whim. Or because sth doesn't work out. A lot of kids have "Verkleidungskoffer" – a trunk full of costumes. Playing is not only fun, but a skill, a strentgh, a ressource, a mighty well of power.
I always loved playing, I was always good at it.
"Hochmut kommt vor dem Fall."
or
"So many times, it happens too fast.
You change your passion for glory.
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive."
Well. I did. And I didn't want to fight. For a while. But you can turn your back on the fight and take you out of it. But you cannot take the fighter out of you. And he won't leave your back unprotected. Ok. So now again:
"Risin' up, back on the street. Did my time, took my chances. Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet."
Don't think, it's so easy? Don't believe in magically turn overs? Don't believe me?
Don't care. You can see for yourself.
Do you know the Bremer Stadtmusikanten? Fairy tale. German. Famous sentence:
"Etwas besseres als den Tod finden wir überall."
Something better than we had we will find one way or the other. You were right. We were awful. Together. Way to big a price to pay for the good parts. Not denying that. But still.
Knowing, maybe very deep inside, what is under the costume, that at some point the game will stop, has to stop, because everything ends, I was arguing from that position in our discussions. So you were one of the very few things I were sure of. Even though my pride was to mighty. Stupid little game: If you don't like me, I don't like you. Erst recht nicht.
I am curious now. Because even though I am convinced and know exactly, what works for me and what I want(again - sorry to repeat that, but I always liked that about me - knowing very fast what I want and what not with certain things & were always proud, that that was one of the core qualities everyone but especially the certain someone in my life regarded highly. Still so vain. Lots of chanting & inversion to do on the way to nirvana), it still takes two to tango.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMGxp4PsvwM&feature=related
good night, far away old friend & foe
Ps: The letter to your pack reminded me, how you told me about having always had the habit of having another Alpha in reserve. And of this Sunday evening a few weeks ago, I thought: „Seems that you managed finally to find a good prospect for the replacement – and with what a fitting name, profession, zodiac sign, desire to engage in what you care about most & even place to live. Especially since I was never a wolf in the first place and neither did I ever want nor intend to become one. So it's going to be an interesting sequel. Or final chapter. I am looking fwd for the plot turns to come.“ Kisses, my love.
koneko do - 24. Mär, 21:37
Trackback URL:
https://konekodo.twoday.net/stories/15747049/modTrackback